You're Still Here
by LisaIsADork1111117
Summary: Kyuhyun looks back on all his memories with Sungmin, at one point hoping that he would forget them. But, looking at them, he realizes that he never wants to get rid of the memories that make up his life, because his whole life is, and was, Sungmin.


Sometimes, I like to pretend. I like to pretend that you're still here. That you'll stay by my side with me, through all the good times and the bad. That you'll still be there when I need a friend, to just hang out with, to watch a movie with, to go out and eat with. Sometimes, I like to pretend that you never left. Sometimes, I like to pretend that you'll never leave.

I'm lying in the grass at the park, where we first met. It was a long time ago, exactly nine years. When I first saw him, I knew I wanted to be his friend.

* * *

><p><em>I loved to swing. It was probably one of the best things in the entire world to do. No joke. I did this every day after school. I would run out of the building as soon as the bell rang, then I would race to the park and jump on the swing before anyone else took it, because I always had the same swing. The very last one on the left. No one ever took it, even when there was a lot of people at the park. I liked to think it was because of me.<em>

_Another boy ran in front of me at the wrong moment and I accidently collided with his body and the boy fell to the ground._

_My eyes went wide and I gasped as I just fell of the swing to crawl over to him. "Oh my god, are you okay! I'm so sorry! I didn't even see you until it was too late! I'm so sorry, I'm so, __**so**__ sor-"_

_The boy just laughed and shook his head, using his hands to help himself sit up. He winced and grabbed his side for a second, but then let out a chuckle again. "No, no, it's okay. It was my fault, I should've looked where I was going."_

_I didn't really know how to respond to that, so I just nodded to show that I heard him. "Well…where were you running to?"_

"_Uhh," He looked kind of hesitant to tell me, but eventually said, "I was just trying to get away from some people."_

"_You mean bullies?" I titled my head to the side, making a confused face._

_He just looked embarrassed. "You…you could say that, I guess."_

_That made me feel kind of bad. This boy was bullied? How? He looked so cool, with his clothes, and his hair, and even his backpack and hoodie. I didn't understand how someone couldn't like him, or not want to be his friend. It confused me._

_I think he misunderstood my look because then he said hastily, "I understand if you don't want to talk to me, or don't like me, or-"_

"_No no no!" I said, waving my hands in front of me. "I was just wondering why you would be bullied. You seem so awesome."_

_He gave me a slight smile at that, but then went back to looking awkward. "I just….I'm not sure why they don't like me…."_

_I nodded. "Okay. Well, it's fine if they don't like you. But I like you! Let's be friends!"_

_I gave him my biggest smile and held out my hand. "I'm Kyuhyun!"_

_He looked at my hand, then my face, then back at my hand. He seemed hesitant, but grabbed my hand in the end. "I'm Sungmin."_

_I wanted to be best friends with him._

* * *

><p>I wanted to see him so bad. We were ten then, and nothing seemed very important. The most important thing to me was becoming his best friend. I miss those days. I miss being with him all the time.<p>

Something, or someone, was walking up to me. But I didn't turn to look at who it was. I just went on with my business and stared at the sky, thinking about that day at the park.

"Hey," The person said.

I turned my head and I couldn't help but give him a grin. "Hey."

He sat down next to me and pulled up his knees and hugged them to his chest. "It's so pretty over here. I love the stars, you can see so many of them. That's why this was always my favorite park when we were younger."

"And it still is, Minnie." I looked up at him. He was staring at the sky, probably trying to count the stars again. When we were younger, every time we came here at night, he would try to count the stars. He always got to about two hundred fifty and then lost which stars he counted and which ones he didn't.

"Yeah," He whispered. He looked down at me and smiled, then layed down next to me and cuddled into my side. "It's kind of cold. Good thing you're here to keep me warm."

He smiled up at me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

That made me remember that one day in school. The day I realized that I had fallen in love with him.

* * *

><p>"<em>Kyu! Kyu!" Sungmin was rushing down the hall waving his hands in the air like a crazy person.<em>

_I just laughed at him and leaned against the wall. "Whaaat?"_

"_Guess what, guess what, guess what!" He said leaning against me and bouncing on his feet. It made me laugh again. He was so cute._

_I just shook the thought from my head. I've been having too many thoughts like that circling my mind lately. It wasn't normal. "What what what?"_

_He just smiled like a mad man for a few seconds, and then burst out, "I got the part! I got the part!"_

"_Sungmin, really! That's __**great**__!" I exclaimed, just as ecstatic as him. Whenever he was happy, I felt freaking amazing about everything._

_He nodded excitedly. "Mrs. Laylon said that there was no competition and that I absolutely deserved the part! Kyu, I think this is one of the happiest days of my life!"_

_For the hell of it, I picked him up and spun him around. "Sungmin, this is amazing. We need to celebrate! Tonight! We're going to…um…..Where do we go when there's something to be celebrated?"_

_He laughed hit me on the head. "Ow! This thick, luscious hair doesn't really protect my head from brain damage, you know!"_

_That made him laugh harder, which made me feel even better about everything that was happening. I don't know what it was, but something about Sungmin made everything __**better**__. Or worse. Whatever he was feeling just kind of decided what mood I was in. _

"_Kyu! We'll go to….Sinil Servings tonight," He stated with his eyes looking up and his left hand covering his bottom lip._

"_Sinil Servings? …..Okay." I agreed and smiled down at him._

_He linked his arm with mine. "Okily dokily! Now! Off to class we go!"_

_Then we went down the hall with him singing "we're off to see the wizard" from the Wizard of Oz._

_***Later that night***_

_I was laying on Sungmin's bed waiting for him to finish getting ready for the night. We decided that after Sinil Servings we would go to a club that we knew of that had no alcohol, since we're just freshman and Sungmin didn't approve of that kind of thing._

_The door burst open and Sungmin stepped into the room. "Okay! I'm ready. Let's go before my mom sees us."_

_I chuckled and got up to walk out the door with him. His mom was like a teenage girl. It was hilarious. She was a big fangirl of yaoi, and boyxboy kind of stuff. So, because of that, she would always do things to make us seem couply, like make us scoot closer together, or take a picture before we went out, like it was a date or something. Sungmin always seemed embarrassed by it, but I kind of…..__**liked**__ it. I don't know why, but something about it always gave me a warm feeling and it just felt right. But, what am I thinking? That wouldn't be right, we're both guys. Straight guys….even if Sungmin __**is**__ adorable._

_We made it out the door and into the car without his mom catching us. We played road trip car games in the car, like always, and soon arrived at Sinil Servings. He got a pasta dish, and since I didn't know what to order, pasta seemed to be a better deal than oysters._

_After about an hour and a half, we were done with Sungmin pouting and looking out the window and me smirking. He insisted that he pay for his own food, but I won the argument and paid for the whole meal, including the tip. This was a night for celebrating him after all._

_The club is where it happened. We were just dancing, but then, some skanky girl decided that she needed to throw herself all over Sungmin. No, he was __**my**__ bunny. Some slut wouldn't just steal him away. So, I tugged on his arm and started to pull him away, still dancing, and we sat down at a booth. _

_Sungmin huffed. "It's so hot in here!"_

_I didn't know why I did it. He was just so, adorable. So gorgeous, so irresistible, so everything else that could describe a person in the best possible way. I leaned across the table and leaned on one arm while the other grabbed him behind the neck, and then I kissed him. I don't remember what I was thinking, but I kissed him, and he kissed me back. When I realized what I did though, what did I do? I ran to the bathroom._

_He came looking for me and found me in the last stall. When I saw him, I scrambled up from the floor._

"_Sungmin, I'm so sorry, I didn't – that wasn't-" I couldn't find the words._

"_Kyuhy-" He started, but I cut him off._

"_Let's just pretend like it never happened."_

_He looked at me with confused eyes, and he took a step back. "Kyu…"_

_All I could do was look at him. I wanted so badly to ask him, 'what?' but I couldn't. My mouth wouldn't move, my mind wouldn't work._

_All he said was, "Okay."_

_And then I felt my heart break. I was in love with my best friend._

* * *

><p>"Kyu…" He said, with his face tilted towards me but his eyes closed. "I miss you."<p>

My throat started to hurt, and I could feel the ball, the want to cry, but I didn't. I wouldn't. Of course, my eyes betrayed my thoughts when a single tear escaped and slid down my face.

"I miss you, too," I choked out. All I had was memories and hallucinations. Memories that I had once tried to forget, but never succeed at. I don't want to forget anymore. I hope I never forget.

* * *

><p><em>One day, Sungmin just marched up to me, and said, "We need to talk."<em>

_I think he was fed up. I think he finally decided that no matter what my reaction was, he was going to come out with it. At the time, I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought that maybe it was about that one night, when I had kissed him, but that was about four months ago. Maybe it was about the play….that was a couple weeks away. Maybe he needed some advice. But that didn't make sense either, because I give horrible advice. One time, I told my friend Heechul to just come out to his parents straight forward and confident. They kicked him out. But! I offered to let him live with me, since he didn't really have anywhere else to go._

"_Okay," I nodded and stood up from my seat. We were in the library. Sungmin was finding some books to read and I was sitting on one of the computers playing games. _

_He led me to a place at the back of the library that was more private, and that just made me wonder even more about what he was going to tell me._

_My bunny turned to me and put his hands on his hips. So adorable. "Kyuhyun."_

_Silence..….More silence …And even more silence. No, this wasn't awkward at all._

"…_.So," I said and bobbed my head. It was kind of awkward just standing there in the silence, but I was going to wait for him to go on._

_He let out a noise of frustration and gripped his hair. "I don't know how to say this! I want to tell you, but I don't know the right words!"_

_I grabbed his hands with mine and held them between us. "Sungmin," He looked up at me. "Think the exact words in your head, and then say them to me."_

_He was searching my eyes. I didn't even realize that his eyes were teary until one ran down his cheek. "Kyu..…I love you."_

_My reaction wasn't the best. I let go of his hands out of shock and stumbled back. He loves me? He loves me! He loves me! All this time, I thought that I was the only one, but now I know that he loves me, __**too**__._

_And then I laughed. _

_I don't know why I laughed. Maybe it was relief. Maybe it was because it was a little too good to be true. But whatever it was, it caused my bunny to look really hurt and start walking away with his tears flowing down his cheeks._

_Fuuuuuuuuck._

_I leapt to my feet and pulled on his arm. "Sungmin, wait!"_

_He shook his head and let out a sob and started babbling. "No! I just told you the most embarrassing thing ever, and here you are, laughing away like it's some kind of-"_

_I cut him off with a kiss. At first he didn't respond, but he eventually started to kiss me back. I broke the kiss. "Minnie…I love you, too."_

_He looked up with teary eyes again and sniffed. "You…do?"_

_I chuckled and nodded. "Yes, yes I do. For so long now. I love you, my bunny. I love you so much."_

_He wrapped his arms around my neck and whispered, "I love you."_

* * *

><p>I played with a piece of Minnie's hair while he just rested his head on my chest and looked up at the stars. "Kyu?"<p>

"Yeah, Minnie?"

"Do you think we'll ever be together again?" He asked and wrapped his arm around my torso.

I could feel my heart break a little more. "I don't know, my bunny. I have no idea."

It feels like it's been so long, I don't know what to think. I missed him, so much. I just want him back. But this was the best it was gonna get, so I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight.

"I'm so sorry, Kyu," He said in a hushed tone.

I just hugged him tighter. "For what?"

"For the accident…"

And I started to tear up again. It's been one year and two months, but it seems like it's been forever. I just want him back. "I'm sorry, too, Sungmin."

* * *

><p><em>When I got that call, I felt my world fall apart and felt my heart break into a million pieces.<em>

_My bunny's mom called my cell phone at two in the morning, crying and hyperventilating. I tried to understand what she was saying, but I couldn't understand her through all the breathing and sobbing. My heart was racing though. What happened? What happened to make her call __**me**__? Please, dear God, don't let anything be wrong with Sungmin._

"_Ky-yuhy-hic-un!" She yelled through the phone. "Kyu! Somethin-ings hap-ap-pen-ned!"_

"_Julie," I said to her calmly, but truly, my palms were sweating and my heart was beating faster than ever. I was almost positive that I didn't want to hear the news. "Calm down."_

_I could hear her trying to breathe normally. She took in a few shaky breaths, sobbed one more time, breathed out, and said, "It's Sungmin."_

_And that was when I felt my heart stop. "Where are you?"_

"_Hallin Pass Hospital."_

"_I'm on my way."_

_***Thirty Minutes Later***_

_I rushed into the hospital, trying to find Julie, but I couldn't __**see**__. Everything was fuzzy, everyone was a blur. Why couldn't I just __**find**__ her? Why couldn't I just __**see**__ her?_

"_Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun!" And I still couldn't see her. It was a blur, everything was a blur._

"_Kyuhyun, the second floor." She started to pull my hand. I could see the back of her head, but it was still __**blurry**__. Why?_

_We rushed around people I couldn't see, around corners that were fuzzy, and up some stairs that were like rocket science having to walk up. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't __**see**__, all I knew was that I needed to see Sungmin. __**Sungmin, are you okay?**_

_I didn't realize that we were sitting until she started talking to me and I had to try to focus on her and her words. "-won't tell me anything yet, but I know that he was in a car accident."_

_And I almost rolled my eyes. A car accident, of course. How freaking cliché._

_We sat there for a few minutes in a silence that couldn't be described. Maybe it was because technically, there was no silence; everyone was rushing around, talking, things were beeping, there were speakers blaring. _

_Finally, a doctor walked up to us, and said a lot of things that I couldn't remember. He used a lot of long words, some weren't, but I just couldn't process what was happening. There were only eight words that I caught in the whole five minutes that he was talking. There were only eight words that caused me to sink to my knees and cry._

_**He won't make it to see the next night.**_

* * *

><p><em><em>"Kyu?" My bunny asked while he played with my fingers. He always does that when he's sad or nervous. He always _did_ that when he was sad or nervous.

"Yeah, Minnie?" I missed this. I missed him; talking to him, laying with him, just having him.

"Were you scared? That day in the hospital?"

I looked down at him, but he wouldn't look up at me. He just kept playing with my fingers. "Yeah, Minnie, I was." More scared than anything.

"So was I…" He whispered, and I could feel his tears fall on my arm.

I pulled him closer.

* * *

><p><em>I wasn't going to leave Lee Sungmin's side. No matter if he was awake, or if the building was burning down, or even if me getting up and leaving the room would save the world from being destroyed. Granted, my bunny would probably get pissed at me, but I wasn't going to leave him. Not while he had such little time left.<em>

"_Ky…u…" My bunny whispered in a hoarse voice. It made me jump and move my chair closer to his bed. I grasped his hand with my left hand and stroked his hair back with my right._

"_I'm here, my bunny, I'm here." I said gently to him. This was breaking my heart._

"_Kyu….it….hur….ts…." He whimpered out and winced. I felt his hand squeeze mine, seeking comfort, so I squeezed back. That's when I started crying._

"_It's okay, Minnie, it's okay. You'll be okay. You're going to be fine." I knew I was lying to him, but I still couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that we would never be together again after this day._

_He cracked his eyes open. "Kyu…..you're….crying? Whats….wrong?"_

_I couldn't help but admire him. He was in so much pain, he was suffering, and he still cared about other people. Not himself. "It's okay, Minnie. I'm okay. You're okay. We're going to be okay…..eventually." I whispered the last word._

_That made him smile. "Kyu….you smell good."_

_I choked out a laugh and smiled through my tears. "Thank you, my bunny."_

"_Kyu….I know….I know I'm…..not going….to….make…..it." His smile was gone, and so was mine._

"_No. No, no, no. __**No**__, don't listen to them, Minnie. You __**will**__ make it. You'll make it out and everything will be okay, and __**we'll**__ be-" I couldn't help but ramble in a time like this. This wasn't fair. He was so young, he was only eighteen. This wasn't __**fair**__._

"_Kyu." He chuckled. "It's okay, Kyu. It's okay. Even….when I'm…..it'll be okay. __**We**__ will….be…okay."_

_I didn't trust myself to talk. If I did, then I knew it would lead to more crying. So I just nodded._

"_Kyu…" He whispered._

"_Yeah?" Sniff, sniff._

"_I love you."_

"_I love you, too."_

"_More than __**anything**__."_

_I nodded smiled sadly. "More than anything."_

_He looked at me, and he didn't have to say anything else. I could see it all in his eyes, all the emotions, the words, his __**love**__. And I knew he could see it in mine, too. "Kyu….sing to me…."_

_I took a shaky breath. I was scared that he would ask me to sing. He only asks me to sing when he's scared. But, I sang to him, because it was what he wanted. And I sang his favorite song._

_**Star crossed lovers  
>They say we're not meant to be<br>Cause the stars in the sky  
>And the fashion that they are aligned<br>I say, if the future's been drawn out,  
>Then there's no point of living<strong>_

_I took another shaky breath._

_**I won't give up my love,  
>So that fate can have its way<br>If the stars said that you-**_

_That's when Sungmin's heart line went flat, and his hand lost its grip on mine._

"_Sungmin? Sungmin! No, NO! Sungming!" I started to yell, and then the doctors were rushing in, pushing me to the back, out of the way._

_I put my hand over my mouth, and watched as they did everything they could to save my lover's life. But none of it worked._

"_Time of death, 7:36."_

_And then my heart died with the person it belonged to._

* * *

><p>"Sungmin." I said, trying to get him to look up at me. He did. "I miss you, so, <em>so<em> much. I remember saying to you that I couldn't live without you, and it was true. I _can't_. I'm not living anymore. It's like….I'm asleep, in a crowd of the awaken. I love you too much to let you go."

He smiled at me and lifted his hand up to my face, and caressed my cheek with it. "Kyu….I know. And I miss you, so much. But just know….that we'll be together again sooner than you think."

What he said, it made me confused, but I went along with it. I didn't stop to ask him what he meant, because I knew that this time was precious, even if he wasn't really here. "Minnie…I love you."

I leaned in to kiss him one last time, but when I opened my eyes, he was gone.

"Minnie…" I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning my head towards the ground. "We'll be together sooner than anyone thought. I promise. I love you too much to let you go."

And with that, I stopped talking, stopped listening, and looked up at the stars and started to count them.


End file.
